


Moments too late

by orphan_account



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-22
Updated: 2014-06-22
Packaged: 2018-02-05 18:28:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1828051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Fin stood in line and waited for the needle? What if he didn't get to Olivia in time? Starts in Undercover when Melinda asks Olivia about how she knew the evidence was correct. Amanda Rollins is brought in to investigate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you like this story but if you didn't please tell me why so I can improve.

“Olivia, were you raped?” Melinda asked the question sternly, looking at the detective in front of her. Dreading the answer. Knowing what her earlier answer indicated. She saw the woman looking down, tears starting to form in her eyes. She felt her heart shatter inside her, knowing that if she didn’t push the issue no one would.  
“Olivia, it’s important that you answer my question.” She sighed, wishing she didn’t have to do this.   
“Olivia…” She began a third time, her voice weak. She was interrupted by and equally weak one.  
“Yes…” Olivia sobbed and Melinda moved to comfort her expecting Olivia to move back, to say that she was fine even though they both could tell it was a lie. Instead she stood still, letting Melinda drape her arms around her.   
Melinda moved back, sighing once again over what she knew she needed to do.  
“Have you showered since the attack?” She asked softly, realizing she was mimicking the tone she had heard Olivia use a hundred times with victims.   
Olivia immediately recognized what her coworker was getting at.  
“No, no… I won’t do a rape kit.”   
“Olivia, if you don’t we can’t prove he did this to you.”  
“I can’t…” Her voice broke and she took a breath before continuing “I… I…” Her voice broke again and she gave up. Melinda still knew what she meant. Many victims didn’t want to do a rape kit. It was invasive, brought up memories of the attack and – something you shouldn’t overlook - embarrassing. But the women she had heard say that were victims. Olivia was an expert on getting those women to do a kit anyway and now she was saying the same things as a victim. It broke her heart to hear.  
“You have nothing to be ashamed of” Melinda tried, knowing it was futile.  
“I know that I just… just…” She buried her face in her hands. “I am” There was an undertone of pain in her voice and Melinda hated herself for pushing on but did it anyway.  
“What are you ashamed of Liv?” Once again she though that Olivia would pull back and assure her everything was fine. The detective had a reputation of never letting anyone close – not even Elliot. But she didn’t. She instead continued in a broken voice.  
“I… I feel so weak” Melinda winced at her words, yet again hearing a victims words come from the detective’s mouth.  
“You’re not weak” Melinda said in an assuring tone.   
“Yes I am. I let him lead me to the basement, I let him overpower me, I let him…”  
“Stop!” Melinda interrupted not capable of hearing one more thing Oliva blamed herself for. “What do you always tell the victims?” she pleaded.  
“It’s not your fault” Olivia whispered almost inaudibly.  
“And do you believe that?”  
“Of course” she said in the same quit tone.  
“So why won’t you believe it for yourself”  
“I’m a cop, I’m trained, I…” Olivia struggled to explain the feelings of shame she knew was unfounded but nonetheless felt.  
“He was armed and had handcuffs, you were unarmed and cuffed.” Melinda stopped and sighed. “There was nothing you could have done”  
“I should have gone to the warden, I should have…”  
“Olivia, listen to me. This was not your fault. What he did to you does not define you.” She paused briefly then added. “In any way.” She swallowed and then continued. “Olivia, you are not weak – you’re strong. And you have nothing to be ashamed of.” Melinda looked at Olivia who was staring at the floor.  
“You have nothing to be ashamed of” Melinda said soothingly. “Olivia, you know how important a rape kit can be.” She sighed and looked at the unresponsive woman in front of her. “Olivia, please…” she pleaded.   
Olivia looked up, meeting Melinda’s eyes. Melinda nearly gasped at how hurt the detective looked. The same detective who was infamous for always claiming she was okay when everyone knew it was a lie. The same detective who never showed a weakness. The same detective who had consoled and convinced hundreds of rape victims was now one herself.  
“I can’t.” She paused, pleading with Melinda to understand. “I just can’”  
“Yes you can. You’re strong. You can do this.”  
“I can’t.” She looked down and Melinda thought she was going to cry before she continued. “And besides we can’t convict him for… that”  
“Why!” Melinda demanded.  
“If we do we won’t get him for Ashley. They will say I lead her on.”  
“Did you” Melinda asked carefully.  
“No! But the defense will say that anyway.”  
“If they do we can still get him on yours”  
“What if he says it was consensual? That I’m crying rape?”  
“An exam can show trauma…” Melinda began softly. She saw Olivia flinch and turned to comfort her. But this time she pulled away.  
“Then he’ll say I ‘like it rough’.” Olivia said the phrase bitterly.   
“They won’t believe him. You’re a cop, you’re trustworthy…”  
“I wasn’t at the time. I was an inmate, he was a guard.”  
“That doesn’t excuse…” Melinda began, but stopped knowing it was futile. She wouldn’t be able to convince Olivia, not in that way at least. “Olivia, you need to get tested even if you aren’t going to report it. Which you should.”  
“I… I…” Olivia tried to explain that she just couldn’t. She couldn’t let anyone se the damage he had done to her. The damage she had failed to stop. She couldn’t let anyone see that she was a victim. But that was not something she could tell Melinda.  
“I’ll go with you” Melinda offered.  
“Okay” Olivia said quietly.  
“Come” Melinda motioned for her to follow and started walking towards her car. Olivia silently followed.  
When they arrived at the car Olivia looked at Melinda.   
“Do I have to do this?” Olivia tried to sound calm but there was an undertone of panic to her voice.  
“I’m sorry” Melinda simply said and opened the door and motioned for Olivia to step in. She went to the driver’s side and jumped in. She looked briefly at Olivia. She was turned against the window, looking out.

When they got to the hospital Olivia stepped out of the car without Melinda having to urge her.   
“I’ll come with you” She offered and started to follow Olivia who had already started walking.   
“You don’t have to.” Olivia said, trying her best to seem normal. “It’s okay” She tried to smile.  
Melinda wasn’t fooled by the attempt.   
“I want to” She didn’t know whether to be glad Olivia was back to insisting she was fine or to be worried about why she absolutely didn’t want her there. Olivia started walking again and Melinda simply followed. 

They arrived at the lobby and Olivia approached the desk. Melinda stopped her gently touching her arm.  
“I’ll come with you, you don’t need to be alone.”   
“I can’t let you see this, I just can’t” Melinda accepted that fact and hoped that the reason Olivia didn’t want her in the room was that she didn’t want anyone to see the exam. Not that she didn’t want anyone to see the extent of the damage.   
Olivia went up to the nurse at the desk.  
“I need a rape kit” She quietly told the nurse. The nurse looked at her and recognized the woman standing in front of her.   
“Do you have a victim with you?” She asked innocently, not suspecting the truth.  
“No… It’s for me.” The nurse’s eyes widened.   
“Have you reported it?”  
“Yes” Olivia lied. She told herself it was only a kind-of-lie. She had told Melinda after all. Not that that was reporting it but she couldn’t report it. The Special victims unit deals with rape. The special victims unit was her, and her coworkers. She couldn’t tell them what happened, she couldn’t.  
“A doctor will see you soon” The nurse told her, her voice filled with sympathy.

As soon as Oliva left the room Melinda picked up her phone, searching her contact list for someone she knew had to be there. She found the number and took a deep breath before hitting dial. Olivia would never forgive her for this – but she would never forgive herself if she didn’t do it.  
“Hello, this is Melinda Warner”  
“Melinda? Has there come up a new case?”  
“Not exactly…” She paused, wondering how to say it. “Cragen, Olivia was raped.”


	2. Chapter 2

Olivia followed a nurse in to the exam room obediently. When the doctor saw her she looked shocked.  
“Detective Benson?” She asked.   
“Um…” Olivia said, not sure how to respond.   
“Eh… Well… You know how these things are done…” The doctor trailed off, struggling with the awkwardness of doing a rape kit on the detective. She had seen the detective in front of her bring in victims, speaking softly to them, calming them. Always strong. And now she was a victim herself.   
“So if you just lay down here…” Olivia complied in silence, cursing the fact that she didn’t ask Melinda to take her to another hospital. One where she wouldn’t be as easily recognized. This was hard enough without people seeing her as the detective. 

Cragen lowered his face into his hands. He had noticed something was of with Liv but he’d never thought… Oh god. Suddenly all the signs rushed at him. All the times she had looked away. All the times she had said she was fine. How could he not have seen?

Melinda breathed a sigh of relief when she saw Olivia appear. She looked horrible, sure, but at least she had gone thru with it. She walked up to the detective, feeling a surge of guilt. Olivia would hate her. It’s better than hating yourself. She thought and hoped that Olivia would forgive her. 

Cragen paced in his office. What to do? What could he do? Treat it like any other case? Not tell anyone? Tell everyone? Tell everything? Tell nothing? I need a drink he sarcastically thought as he picked up his phone. 

“Come” Melinda motioned for Olivia to walk in front of her. She wanted to see the detective, now that she was safe. She knew it was futile, Olivia was very much not safe, but it made Melinda feel better. 

Perfect, just perfect. Olivia sighed as she followed Melinda’s instructions. When did I become this. This being someone who followed orders, who complied. She knew the answer but didn’t want to admit it. Not even to herself. This isn’t me.

“Cragen?” Amanda hesitated. What was he calling about? The last time she’d gotten a call from work... No, she was past that now. She had dealt with it. But the reply didn’t make anything better.   
“It’s Liv.” Oh no. Not Liv, not this, not now. When she finally thought she was over it.   
“I need you to investigate” No, she was not doing this. Atlanta SVU couldn’t deal with this. And the fact that Benson was, what? A role model? didn’t help at all.  
Cragen sensed her insecurity and continued.  
“Please, we can’t, you…” He trailed of. “You can” He finished deliberately.  
“You can do this.” Amanda had the feeling he was talking about something else.

When Melinda saw Olivia lock the door she was filled with some kind of sadness. Worry maybe. She told herself she was being stupid, after all, this was detective Olivia Benson. She could take care of herself. Right?  
When Olivia could finally close the door she started to cry. Even before the door was fully closed. She desperately hoped that Melinda didn’t notice. She sunk down on the floor next to the door. Leaning against it. This is not me. 

I can’t do this. I can’t. I have gone to her seminars. I have watched her speak. I can’t deal with her being a victim. Not her too. Amanda put the phone down and stared ahead. Not seeing what was around her. Just him. Again. Dammit. I’m over this. The worst part was that she thought he was right. I have to do this.

Melinda started to walk down the corridor when she heard a strange sound. Olivia was crying. I can’t deal with this. She turned around and started walking back to her door.  
This is not me. Not now, not here.  
“Olivia, please, talk to me.”  
I can’t deal with this.  
Melinda leaned against the door. Let herself sink down on to the floor.   
“Talk to me”

Amanda was walking down to the precinct with hurried steps. She had to do this.  
Cragen was walking out his door, worry plastered on his face. He knew Elliot would see through it. Fin too. Damn. I need a drink.  
Olivia was sitting on the floor, crying and pretending not too.   
Melinda was sitting on the other side, hoping for a miracle.   
Fin was worrying about someone he knew could take care of himself.   
So was Elliot.


	3. Chapter 3

Amanda sat down at her desk. She understood why they needed someone from another department, and she also understood why they didn’t want someone from New York, after all, some cops weren’t all that nice. That, Amanda knew. But really, why did Cragen have to call and ask in Atlanta, why did he have to ask for her? She suspected the answer but didn’t want entertain that train of thought. She sighed and realized that she might as well start packing her bags, she couldn’t say no to this, even if she wanted to. That would lead to a discussion she didn’t want to have.  
She went in to her superior to tell him she was leaving for a while. The flight was already booked and everything set. He didn’t really have a say in her leaving but she thought it impolite to not say anything.  
Melinda was still sitting outside Olivia’s door when she got a call from Cragen. She stood up and walked away from the door before answering so that she was certain Olivia couldn’t hear.  
“Hi” She said when finally picking up. She thought a bit about how normal the greeting sounded even though the circumstances were all but that, but her train of thought was cut short when Cragen replied.  
“I called a detective from Atlanta, she agreed to come in and help us with this case”  
“Have you told the others?”  
“No, not yet. I’d hoped that bringing in detective Rollins would delay it. And Liv might be more comfortable talking to someone she doesn’t work with.”  
“I’d like you to fill Rollins in, you’re the only one that actually has talked to Olivia, and so I thought you’d know the most”  
“I guess so, when does she get here?”  
“Tomorrow.” He paused for a moment before continuing, unsure of whether he really wanted the answer to the question he was about to ask. In the end he decided to ask anyway. “How’s she doing?”  
“Not that good” Melinda admitted. In fact, she could still hear the sobs from the door.  
“I guess that is to be expected.” He sighed. “Well, goodbye then, I’ll call you when Rollins arrives” he finally said and hung up.  
Melinda walked back to the door and reflected on whether to try and plead with Olivia again. She wasn’t exactly sure what she was pleading for. For her to open the door and let Melinda comfort her maybe, or for forgiveness even though she didn’t yet know what Melinda had done. She supposed she had to tell her. Rollins would want to talk to her, and she had to explain why Rollins was there. She did not look forward to telling Olivia all this. She’ll hate me she thought yet again.  
She knocked at the door, carefully.  
“Liv, I have to talk to you” No answer.  
“Really, I’ll go away if you just listen to me”  
“Okay.” She heard faintly from the other side. She was a bit concerned with the fact that Olivia wanted to get rid of her that desperately but she decided to focus on getting this out of the way.  
Olivia opened the door and Melinda was for a moment stunned at seeing the detective crying, even though she had expected it. She regained her composure quickly and began speaking.  
“Olivia, I’m sorry about this, but…” She didn’t know how to say it in such a way that it would minimize the betrayal and tried to think of a way but gave up and continued.  
“I knew you would never tell anyone about this, so I… I called Cragen.”  
“You called Cragen?” Olivia stared at her in disbelief. “Of all people…” Olivia sat down and buried her face in her hands.  
“I’m sorry.” Melinda said quietly. She knew it offered little comfort.  
“Now the whole precinct will know”  
“They won’t”  
“Well, he has to investigate a crime if someone reports it. “  
“He’s called in a detective from Atlanta” Olivia didn’t know what to deduce from this information.  
“She’s going to be investigating” Melinda said helpfully.  
“And what if I don’t co-operate?” Olivia sounded defiant. Melinda looked carefully at Olivia, trying to gauge if she actually was serious. She realized that there had been a big leap in logic thinking that Olivia would actually co-operate.  
“Then… then nothing will happen” Melinda sounded defeated. “He’ll get away scot free and you’ll pretend like everything is fine.”  
“Everything is fine” Olivia seemed to note the contradiction in what she said and the reality and continued. “If I go along with this everyone will know. Sooner or later. It won’t matter if he brings in a detective from Atlanta. If it got to trial it would still be tried here.”  
“Would that be so horrible?” Melinda knew the answer even before she asked. Yes, yes it would be. Then people would look at her with pity, and that was the last thing Olivia wanted.  
Olivia glared at her before answering. “Yes, yes it would. You haven’t even known for a day yet and you’re already treating me like I can’t make my own decisions”  
“I’m sorry” Melinda realized it was true. It had been wrong to call Cragen without even telling her. But it would have been wrong to just let Olivia go on like she did.  
“So am I” Olivia said the last words bitterly and Melinda knew she didn’t mean the words as an apology.  
Melinda looked at Olivia and tried to figure out what to do, what to say to comfort her.  
“I know it was wrong but…”  
“But what, you think I can’t make my own decisions about my life? You think that all of this is just a victim speaking who doesn’t understand what is best for her? If this goes to trial the whole force will know. I will be seen as unreliable in every case that has anything to do with rape. Lawyers will bring up the fact that I might be biased every time I have a hand in investigating something.”  
“Are you really fine with him getting away completely with all of this?”  
“He won’t get away with everything Ashely is still going to trial isn’t she?”  
“He will be getting a lighter sentence if you don’t press charges, he will be getting away with something.”  
Olivia didn’t respond and Melinda continued to look at her pleadingly.  
“Will you at least talk to the detective when she comes here?”  
“I’ll think about it” Olivia responded, more to make Melinda go away than anything else.


	4. Chapter 4

As Melinda left Olivia’s apartment she picked up the phone and dialled Cragen again. I might as well but him on speed dial at this rate she thought as he picked up.  
“How did it go?”  
“Not well” she admitted. She cursed herself for being so stupid. She should have realized that Olivia wouldn’t magically want to testify and press charges just because someone else knew about the rape. She had betrayed her trust and that was something she couldn’t forgive herself for. At the same time she knew that she couldn’t live with herself seeing Olivia live with a secret that heavy, never telling anyone and feeling like a hypocrite telling all these victims to testify and press charges while not having done that herself. But it wasn’t her place to interfere.  
“Well how did she react?”  
“She wasn’t happy, for, err, understandable reasons.” Melinda sighed and continued. “She agreed to think about speaking with Rollins”  
“That’s good I guess.”  
“Rollins will be here by ten tomorrow, I’ll call you then about speaking to her.”  
“Okay, Bye” Melinda ended the call and sat down in her car. Part of her wanted to go back in time and not tell Cragen about anything while part of her thought that this was the right thing to do. That that horrible person had to face justice and that Olivia would feel better once he did. Still she felt incredibly guilty as she drove home.

Olivia was still sitting in a pile behind the door. She felt numb. Melinda had told Cragen. And Cragen had called in a detective. She was already regretting telling Melinda. Well, to be fair she had started regretting telling Melinda right about the time that she was laying on a table with someone doing a rape kit. She knew what she wanted was the opposite of what she told the victims she dealt with to do. To them she said that it would feel better to prosecute, that it was good to do a rape kit, that testifying and telling the police about what had happened might be hard but that it would feel better afterwards. And she still believed that to be true, but… It was hard, it was painful and embarrassing and it made Olivia feel like the one thing she strived to always not be. It made her feel like a victim. And she could already imagine everyone treating her like one.  
She knew that in theory that was the correct label. She had been the victim of a rape, and thus she was a victim. But being a victim and being a victim were different things and even though she had had events happening to her that she could aptly be described to be a victim of she had never felt like a victim before. And everything from telling Melinda to sitting here made her feel like one. She just wanted to move on and go back to what things were like before. She knew it wasn’t that easy and that pressing charges might make her feel better in the long term it just felt too hard. And she detested herself for that. She was too weak to prevent the rape and too weak to do something about it.  
She pulled herself off the floor and towards the bathroom. She looked in the mirror and realized she didn’t just feel like a victim, she looked like one. It wasn’t the wounds on her face, it was her expression. The combined look of desperation and haven given up. She looked down, not wanting to see more of the all too familiar expression. She had seen it on some many others but never thought she’d be wearing it herself.  
She got in the shower, wanting to wash all of what had happened off. The manic cleaning was yet another thing that Olivia had understood in theory but not really understood not in the way she did now. Understood that even though you were clean and even though you knew that you wouldn’t feel cleaner from showering you stood there under the scalding hot water and scrubbed and cried. So you were doing something.  
Olivia continued with this endeavour for far longer than was sane but finally gave up. She walked over to her bed and sat down. She buried her head in her hands and cried some more.  
This sucked. This whole situation. That Melinda had asked her and she was too weak to hold it in. That Melinda had told Cragen. That Cragen had decided to fly in a detective. All of it sucked. And the thing that sucked most of all was how weak she felt.  
She tried not to think about it. And most of all she tried not to think about the detective that was being flown in. That she had agreed to think about talking to. 

The next morning Amanda landed in New York. She had gotten here on short notice, but really she’d do anything to get out of Atlanta right now. To get away from the memories and flashbacks. Not that she thought it would work, and dealing with another SVU detective’s rape was probably not the best way to get rid of the memories she had. Still, she had agreed. And now she was waiting for Cragen to pick her up.  
He had filled her in on the phone, told her about the situation. About how the detective had gone undercover in a prison to prove a rape and managed to provide information for the case. How their medical examiner had realized just how the detective could have found out such information and confronted her. How the medical examiner had told Cragen, knowing that the detective would never do so herself. And first and foremost he had told her how important it was that the case was kept quiet.  
As she had understood it there was one flaw in this plan. Rape cases needed a witness. Usually this witness was the victim. And she had heard nothing that gave the impression that this victim was willing to testify. 


	5. Chapter 5

“Hello, I’m detective Rollins, I believe Cragen told you I was coming” Amanda cringed at the greeting. It was way too formal. But she wasn’t sure what to say or how to say it.  
“Yes, he did… I’m Melinda Warner…” Melinda trailed off, not sure how to continue, finding the situation just as awkward as Amanda did.  
Amanda was struggling with finding a way to continue, not sure whether she should talk with the woman in front of her like she was a medical examiner, like she would talk to any medical examiner about any case or if she should talk about the case like the woman was a regular witness. Neither felt right and she continued her awkward in-between tone.   
“So… tell me about the… ehm… case” Amanda wanted to bury her face in her hands. She cringed at the sentence she had just uttered. Be professional she told herself.  
“Which one?”   
“The one that caused Olivia to go undercover.” Amanda specified.   
“Well, it all started with a victim. This girl, Ashley, was raped. We did a rape kit but it got lost and that’s when Olivia realized it was a guard who raped Ashley. She went undercover and came back. It looked we were going to lose the case anyway. We asked Ashley about details to identify the rapist and Olivia asked about something she could only know if he… if he had…”  
“If he had assaulted her?” Amanda filled in.  
Melinda took a deep breath, and looked up at her.  
“Yes”  
“And what happened next?”   
“I asked her if he had” Melinda looked down, imagining the scene again. It was only yesterday and yet it felt so distant. She’ll never trust me that much again.   
Amanda stayed silent. Asking what Olivia had said was useless. They both new what she had replied. Instead she waited for Melinda to continue.   
“She said he did, and I drove her to the hospital.” It was obvious Melinda was trying to sound detached. She didn’t have much success. She took another deep breath to compose her enough to continue speaking.  
“They did a rape kit. While she was in there I called Cragen and afterward I drove her home.” Melinda looked down while she spoke, still feeling ashamed about betraying Olivia’s trust, even if she thought that it was for the best.  
Amanda felt anger rise up within her. She knew it was irrational, she had more than once talked with girls and women to try to convince them to press charges when someone else had reported the rape. Quite happily in fact. But still, she couldn’t imagine what she would have felt if someone had told her boss about… what happened.   
“And then?” Amanda wasn’t sure that Melinda had anything more to say but she wanted to put her mind off what happened and she hoped that the question would distract her from noticing that she’d almost started shaking .Get a grip she told herself and clenched her fist. She would probably have to interview Melinda again when she actually could ask important questions, but if she distracted Melinda enough everything would be fine.  
“And then Cragen called me and told me he had called you. And then I told Olivia I had told Cragen. And she said she would think about talking to you” Melinda was in fact to distracted to notice anything off with the detective and by the time she looked up at her Amanda had managed to compose herself.  
“Well it’s a start” Amanda replied, trying to sound optimistic.  
“I guess so” Melinda wasn’t bothering with trying to sound hopeful. She knew that Olivia was unhappy with the situation and was pretty sure that Olivia had told her she would think about it just to make her go away.  
“Be honest with me, what are the chances of her actually agreeing to this” Hearing Melinda’s tone Amanda realized her earlier thoughts about having an uncooperative witness/victim were probably true.   
“They’re small” Melinda admitted.

Amanda wasn’t sure what to think about this case. In theory it was simple. She knew who the rapist was, she hopefully had DNA, and the victim was trustworthy. Amanda had quickly suspected that convincing the witness to go after her rapist would be the hardest part. And she had no idea how to go about convincing Olivia Benson of all people to go after her rapist. Olivia Benson was practically the victim whisperer. Amanda doubted she would have a better shot at convincing the detective than the detective herself. 

Olivia Benson was walking back and forth in her room. She hadn’t had a good night’s sleep, as soon as she closed her eyes she was there all over again. She shivered at the memory. It was still raw, still fresh and she didn’t know how long it would remain that way. Maybe forever, she thought as she paced the room. God knows she had met victims who had had their whole life ruined. Who had been too afraid leave their houses afterwards. And now she might be one of them. And most of those still pressed charges. The only reason she had done a rape kit was because of Melinda. She would have been happy to try and forget about the incident on her own. She was getting increasingly afraid that she would be unable to. I was holding it together before she muttered even though she knew that wasn’t exactly true. But at least I wasn’t pacing my apartment uselessly. She felt tears well up in her eyes. Crying is apparently the only thing I can manage to do. 

Back at the precinct thing were like usual. Way too many rapes to investigate and way too much paperwork to go through. Fin was sitting at his desk and trying to work through the papers that had piled up while he was undercover. He wasn’t making much progress however, since he was thinking about the detective that had gone undercover with him, or rather, the detective he had gone undercover with. The detective that practically never took a sick day. The detective that wasn’t here today. The detective that had insisted she was fine yesterday. He made a mental mote to ask Elliot about it later.   
Elliot was sitting at his desk in the precinct, spending his time this the same things Fin were. He had similar problems with concentrating. He was wondering about his partner who was missing today. His partner who had recently gone undercover and insisted nothing was wrong with her. He decided to ask Fin about it. Fin had after all gone undercover with her and he was pretty sure that if something was wrong with her Fin was the person that knew what had happened.


	6. Chapter 6

“Hey, do you know what’s up with Liv?”   
“I was going to ask you the same thing?” Elliot sighed and then added “so you have no idea then?” Elliot looked at Fin hopefully, but still not expecting him to actually know anything.   
“None at all. I guess we’ll just have to wait until she decides to tell us.” The look on Fins face made it clear that he thought this to be approximately never.   
“You have no idea at all?” Elliot added again. He was worried about her, and even though he already knew that Fin didn’t know he had to ask. Otherwise he would feel like he wasn’t even trying.  
“You’re the one that’s close to her” Fin didn’t say this in an accusatory manner, more as a way of comfort. As a way of saying that if she wanted to talk with someone she would go to him.  
“I know, she’s just…” Elliot sighed. He cared about his partner, and that was hard when the partner hated being cared for.  
“She’s Liv. She doesn’t like talking about what bothers her.” Fin filled in for Elliot in a way to make him understand he didn’t blame him for not knowing what the matter with Olivia was. Or for asking about her, and not asking her.  
“You… You don’t think something happened to her in there?” Elliot voiced the fears he didn’t want to give words to. It was the question that had been nagging at him that he didn’t want to ask.  
Fin looked up at Elliot. It wasn’t the first time he had thought about that, but he, similarly didn’t want to actually say it.  
“I hope not.”

Cragen decided he had to call Olivia. According to Melinda she already knew, and it was cowardly to expect her to handle the conversation or to send Amanda in to talk to her unprepared. This phone call was one he really didn’t want to make. He had no idea what her reaction would be and didn’t know if anger or sadness would be worse. He braced himself as he dialled the number.  
Olivia was disturbed in her pacing by a call. She didn’t pick up, fearing it was the detective that wanted to talk to her. She stood still as she heard the voicemail pick up the call.  
“Liv, it’s me Cragen. I need to talk to you… I know you’re not happy with me but, please…”  
Olivia didn’t feel up for talking to one more person who knew about… everything, but her recent feeling of uselessness made her want to do something. And she didn’t like Cragen sounding so… defeated. She picked up the phone, regretting it as she did.  
“I’m here”  
“Oh, good.” Cragen was at a loss of words when she did pick up. He quickly collected himself and continued.  
“Melinda told be you know about Detective Rollins. She would like to talk to you…”   
“Does this have to be a big thing? Does she have to investigate this?” Olivia knew it was futile to ask that, Cragen wanted her to press charges, hell he had already flown in a detective, but some part of her hoped that it didn’t have to be a big thing, that they could all just forget. Not that she thought that she would, but maybe Melinda and Cragen could. Maybe she would feel less like a victim then.  
“I know it’s hard but putting him in prison is the best thing to do” it felt unfair to hear those words. Of course it’s the best thing to do. I didn’t mean that she felt she could do it.   
“He is going to go to prison anyway.” That was her explanation to herself. He was going to go to prison, whether she pressed charges or not. She had helped Ashley, she didn’t need to do more.   
“They are going to ask you how you knew… that information. Why you asked Ashley about it. They’re going to get you to speak in court about it either way” Cragen spoke the words heavily, he didn’t want to say it, it felt like he was blackmailing her. She cared about the victims. But he knew that they could – and would – ask her about it on the stand.  
Olivia didn’t say anything, processing the new information. Fuck. The only way she could avoid telling anyone about it was if she didn’t testify in Ashley’s case. And then he would go completely free. All of it would have been for nothing. And she would let Ashely down. Ashley who had done a rape kit and talked to her even when she felt scared and humiliated.  
“I’ll talk to Rollins”

Amanda had been going around New York for a while trying to enjoy the city as well as come up with a way to make Olivia speak with her when she got a call. Neither had been going very well.  
“Detective Rollins” Amanda answered the phone in the best professional tone she could muster. She expected it to be either someone from work in Atlanta or someone who had to do with this case. Either way the last thing she wanted was to admit how much this case was bothering her.  
“Hello, it’s Cragen. I set up a time when you can talk to Olivia.”  
“She’ll talk to me?” Amanda failed to hide her surprise at the fact.   
“She’s agreed to…But…” Cragen was unsure of how much he should say about Olivias motivation to talk to the detective and where it truly came from. He decided that honesty was the best policy. “She’s doing it for the case more than anything?”  
“For Ashley?”   
“Yes” Cragen sighed deeply. He felt guilty about it all.   
Amanda was surprised that Olivia had agreed to talk to her, but not why. Detective Benson had made quite the name for herself as a champion for all victims. It was something Amanda admired in her. She often did dangerous things to help her victims, and this time it had gone wrong.  
“Where can I meet her?” Amanda couldn’t imagine that the other detective would like to talk to her in the precinct, and no other places where obvious.  
“She has agreed to talk to you in her apartment.” Cragen felt guilty about this to. Yet again it was a situation Olivia didn’t really like – but preferred over the alternative.   
“How is she?” Amanda asked the question quietly.   
“She’s…” Cragen struggled with how to phrase it. How was she? She was still Olivia, she was still the woman who insisted everything was fine. She had shown up to work after… it… had happened. And now she was at home, and not insisting on getting to come in like she otherwise would. But that was because people new. People new she was a victim and if it was something that Olivia detested it was being a victim.  
“She doesn’t want to be a victim. She wants to help them.”


End file.
